Kisses and Killers

It’s now less than a week until Valentine’s Day, and most of us are probably clueless as to what we’ll be doing next Wednesday, February 14, when lovers are traditionally supposed to demonstrate their deep and abiding affection for one another. Children still delight in exchanging Valentine’s cards, and can feel their hearts stirred by either receiving, or not receiving, a Hallmark product scrawled in tribute to them. Pubescents still titter over the exchange of conversation hearts candy, imprinted with brief wishes: BE MINE. LET’S KISS. HUG ME. SAY YES. But the older you get, it seems, the harder it is to work up interest in buying boxes of chocolates or heart-shaped balloons, and going out for fancy dinners somehow meant to prove that you’ll never run away with your teaching assistant or shapely assed boss, and that you’d marry your spouse again in a heartbeat. Till death do you part.

What if, though, the person you were scheduled to lock lips with this Valentine’s Day was, say, Philip Marlowe? Or private eye Angela Gennaro from the Dennis Lehane novels? Or, perhaps, “Bond Girl” Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen), who, in the 1995 film GoldenEye, kills in order to receive sexual satisfaction? (Hey, I didn’t say that these “dream dates” had to be good guys, did I?) Then, how much would you put yourself out next Wednesday, hmm?

So, let’s imagine that you could have any character out of crime fiction as your Valentine’s Day companion. Who would it be? Would you want to spend the night on the town (or, more likely, the evening in a smoke-filled sitting room) with Sherlock Holmes? Would you sup by candlelight with tall, red-maned Carlotta Carlyle from Linda Barnes’ books, or chow down on tacos with Jim Rockford, or share fava beans with Thomas Harris’ Clarice Starling, or swap double entendres with Robert B. Parker’s Hawk, or maybe listen to Honey West talk on and on about her damn ocelot? Then again, who says you have to pick a major or series character? Instead, you might prefer the pseudonymous and truth-challenged Brigid O’Shaughnessy of The Maltese Falcon fame, or “monkeywrencher” and former Florida Governor Clinton Tyree from Carl Hiaasen’s stories, or the captivating and uninhibited model Maddalena from Michael Pearce’s A Dead Man in Trieste.

One’s mind reels at the possibilities, if any of these players from television, film, and novels could accompany you to the theater, or join you for sushi, or help you test out those 200-thread-count percale sheets you just bought. Who would you invite?

The striking but peril-prone Kim Bauer (Elisha Cuthbert) from 24?

Detective Hieronymous “Harry” Bosch from Michael Connelly’s series?

Vivian Sternwood from Raymond Chandler’s The Big Sleep?

Anyone for the casually homicidal Raymond “Mouse” Alexander from Walter Mosley’s Easy Rawlins books?

Just to get things started, let me tell you that my own “dream date” from this genre might well be underappreciated P.I. Laura Holt (Stephanie Zimbalist) from TV’s Remington Steele. Or perhaps the dangerously seductive Theresa Fitzgerald from John A. Miller’s novel Tropical Heat. Now that I consider it, though, my vote could be just as well spent on gumshoe Claire McCarron (Margaret Colin) from the 1987 series Leg Work, or on feisty Lydia Chin from S.J. Rozan’s best-known books. Oh, and how could I forget about Sally McMillan (Susan Saint James) from McMillan & Wife?

Now, let us know what you think. (Just click the Comments link below.) If you could spend Valentine’s Day with anybody you want from crime fiction, who would it be? And be sure that, in the case of film or television appearances, you give the character’s name, not just that of the actor or actress playing him or her.