Clever Claptrap

Every year since 2011 (and less consistently before then), I have reported on the winners of the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsical competition that glorifies terrifyingly bad opening sentences to (fortunately) never-to-be-completed books. However, the latest prize results—announced in August—passed me by completely.
So here I am with egg on my face, bringing you some of my favorites from among the 2024 victors in various tournament categories:

“She was poured into the red latex dress like Jello poured into a balloon, almost bursting at the seams, and her zaftig shape was awesome to behold, but I knew from the look on her face and the .45 she held pointing at me, that this was no standard client of my detective agency, but a new collection agency tactic to get me to pay my long-overdue phone bill.” — Jack Harnly, Sarasota, Florida (Winner, Crime & Detective division)

“Staring unblinkingly into the pleading, tear-filled eyes of yet another dame looking for me to solve all her problems, I sighed, stretched, scratched my whiskers, stuck my hind leg in the air and bent my spine at a 45-degree angle to reach down and lick my butt clean, then donned my fedora — Taco, Cat Detective, was officially on the case.” — Gwen Simonalle, Grenoble, France (Dishonorable Mention, Crime & Detective)<

“He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream, and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish, but as fish tend to live in the sea rather than in a skiff, he really had only himself to blame.” — Sam Wallington, London, England (Dishonorable Mention, Adventure)

“‘I do enjoy turning a prophet,’ said Torquemada, as he roasted the heretic seer on a spit.” — A.R. Templeton, Stratford, Canada (Winner, Vile Puns)

This year’s Grand Prize was given to Lawrence Person of Austin, Texas, for his splendidly vivid submission:

She had a body that reached out and slapped my face like a five-pound ham-hock tossed from a speeding truck.

And the Grand Panjandrum's Special Award went to Joel Phillips of West Trenton, New Jersey, for the following:

Mrs. Higgins’ body was found in the pantry, bludgeoned with a potato ricer and lying atop a fifty-pound sack of Yukon golds, her favorite for making gnocchi, though some people consider them too moist for this purpose.

Named in dubious honor of Edward George Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), whose 1830 novel, Paul Clifford, began with the phrase, “It was a dark and stormy night,” this contest has been sponsored by the English Department at California’s San Jose State University ever since 1982. You can read all of the 2024 winners here.