Clever Claptrap

Every year since 2011 (and less consistently before then), I have reported on the winners of the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsical competition that glorifies terrifyingly bad opening sentences to (fortunately) never-to-be-completed books. However, the latest prize results—announced in August—passed me by completely.
So here I am with egg on my face, bringing you some of my favorites from among the 2024 victors in various tournament categories:

“She was poured into the red latex dress like Jello poured into a balloon, almost bursting at the seams, and her zaftig shape was awesome to behold, but I knew from the look on her face and the .45 she held pointing at me, that this was no standard client of my detective agency, but a new collection agency tactic to get me to pay my long-overdue phone bill.” — Jack Harnly, Sarasota, Florida (Winner, Crime & Detective division)

“Staring unblinkingly into the pleading, tear-filled eyes of yet another dame looking for me to solve all her problems, I sighed, stretched, scratched my whiskers, stuck my hind leg in the air and bent my spine at a 45-degree angle to reach down and lick my butt clean, then donned my fedora — Taco, Cat Detective, was officially on the case.” — Gwen Simonalle, Grenoble, France (Dishonorable Mention, Crime & Detective)<

“He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream, and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish, but as fish tend to live in the sea rather than in a skiff, he really had only himself to blame.” — Sam Wallington, London, England (Dishonorable Mention, Adventure)

“‘I do enjoy turning a prophet,’ said Torquemada, as he roasted the heretic seer on a spit.” — A.R. Templeton, Stratford, Canada (Winner, Vile Puns)

This year’s Grand Prize was given to Lawrence Person of Austin, Texas, for his splendidly vivid submission:

She had a body that reached out and slapped my face like a five-pound ham-hock tossed from a speeding truck.

And the Grand Panjandrum's Special Award went to Joel Phillips of West Trenton, New Jersey, for the following:

Mrs. Higgins’ body was found in the pantry, bludgeoned with a potato ricer and lying atop a fifty-pound sack of Yukon golds, her favorite for making gnocchi, though some people consider them too moist for this purpose.

Named in dubious honor of George Earl Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), whose 1830 novel, Paul Clifford, began with the phrase, “It was a dark and stormy night,” this contest has been sponsored by the English Department at California’s San Jose State University since 1982. You can read all of the 2024 winners here.