Judge Not, Lest Ye Be … Oh, Never Mind

As we await tonight’s announcement of the 2007 Edgar Allan Poe Award winners, author Dylan Schaffer (Misdemeanor Man, I Right the Wrongs), who this year helped judge entries in the Best Novel category, has been kind enough to give us first crack at his poetic musings on the judging process:

Thoughts of an Edgars (Best Novel) Judge,
in the Form of 25 Haikus

Everyone has an
Opinion. But for better
Or worse, we decide.

To judge, to choose, to
Wake at three a.m. thinking:
Should I keep writing?

What makes a good book?
Maybe you have the answer.
If so, please call. Now.

Regrets, I’ve had a
Few, but then again to few ...
Well, more than a few.

One book was so bad,
And sold so well, I thought, geez,
Maybe I’ll write bad.

But then I obsessed
On that last adjective; ought
To be an adverb.

Seems to me the real
Geniuses are the ones whose
Books sell at Costco.

When I get there, I’m
Going to throw a party.
You’ll be invited.

Edgar judging rules
Are secret. But rest assured,
’Cause I’m a lawyer.

Once I saw Robert
Bork eat a tuna sandwich.
Which just goes to show,

I’m in a better
Position to judge if we
Were fair or not. Right?

And we were, we were.
The pay doesn’t exactly
Encourage big graft.

Anyway, we write.
So even if we are not
Harvard-trained chemists,

Or winners of the
National Book Award, we
Think we picked damn well.

Pardon me while I
Go make my lunch. That tuna
Reference caused hunger.

[One hour later]

The best thing about
Picking an Edgar winner:
So many good books.

The worst thing about
Picking an Edgar winner:
So many good books.

Seriously, it
Made me wonder what the hell
I’m doing writing.

I’m a much better
Cook than a novel writer.
Maybe Iron Chef

Will have me. Maybe
I could open a combo
Deli/launder mat.

In my humble view
My books should have been winners,
But for the others,

Which were much better.
I tell people I was on
The Edgar long list.

Anyway, some will
Complain and some will cheer us.
Then it’s back to work,

Writing, reading, more
Fighting the keyboard for the
Words, the damn words. But

Can you imagine?
Five hundred forty crime books?
Go on. I dare you.

By the way, Schaffer’s latest book is actually a memoir titled Life, Death & Bialys: A Father/Son Baking Story, which contains no out-and-out poetry at all.

Schaffer Goes Over

That Dylan Schaffer sure is one funny guy. Whether he’s explaining how cartoon canine Scooby-Doo inspired his crime fiction--as he did in a 2004 January Magazine interview--or telling novelist and blogger Elaine Flinn that he’s never seen his wife, Jane, sleep and that he daren’t mention Spiro Agnew around her, author Schaffer has a reputation for not taking himself too seriously.

Knowing all of these things, perhaps this reporter can be forgiven for not quite believing it when she heard that Schaffer’s new book is not another in the series of crime-fiction works that have brought him his reputation, nor anything remotely related. Instead, it’s a memoir called Life, Death & Bialys: A Father/Son Baking Story, and it is, in Schaffer’s own words, “the story of how my dying dad and I found truth, reconciliation, and the key to a perfect homemade baguette, during an intensive baking class.”

The memoir, published by Bloomsbury U.S. on September 6, is doing well right out of the gate. Barnes & Noble chose it as a Discover New Writers pick, and Publishers Weekly says, “The baking class is not just a sharply focused backdrop but a buffer from the most painful revelations about the suffering Schaffer endured in adolescence--unfortunately, the class ends halfway through the memoir, and the last sections deal with his father’s final days at home. The disruption to the narrative momentum is jarring, but Schaffer’s dark humor holds the two stories together.”

Schaffer is touring heavily in promotion of the book. His appearance schedule can be found here.