Terrible ... or Terribly Good?

I’ve been rather joyfully following the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest since 2009. Taking its name from Edward George Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), it champions hideous (read: humorous) opening sentences from never-to-be-completed books. Entries are accepted in categories ranging from Adventure and Children’s Literature to Historical Fiction and Purple Prose.

Winning this year in the Crime category was Carl Turney of Bayswater, Victoria, Australia. Here’s his submission:

Hard-boiled private dick Harrison Bogart couldn’t tell if it was the third big glass of cheap whiskey he’d just finished, or the way the rain-moistened blouse clung so tightly to the perfect figure of the dame who just appeared panting in his office doorway, but he was certain of one thing … he had the hottest mother-in-law in the world.

Harrison, Ohio’s Joshua Long scored runner-up honors with this:

Hard-boiled private eye Smith Calloway had a sinking feeling
as he walked into the chaotic crime scene, for there, as expected, was the body dressed in a monk’s habit; there was the stuffed cream-colored pony next to the crisp apple strudel; there was the doorbell, the set of sleigh bells, and even the schnitzel with noodles--all proclaiming that the Von Trappist Killer had struck again.

Actually, though, I got the biggest chuckle from one of three “Dishonorable Mention” recipients in this category, submitted by Brian Brandt of Lansdale, Pennsylvania:

When the CSI investigator lifted the sheet revealing the mutilated body with the Ginsu Knife still protruding from the bloody chest, Detective Miller wondered why anybody would ever need two of them, even if he only had to pay extra shipping and handling.

Click here to read (or groan at) all of this year’s top contenders.