Second to None

Magazines love to assign and publish features that can be quickly translated onto covers in the form of numbers. Which is why, as The New York Times noted not so long ago, “A trip to the newsstand these days can be a dizzying descent into a blizzard of numbers. The March issue of Elle Girl promises readers ‘375 excuses to shop.’ Harper’s Bazaar offers ‘783 new ideas to flatter you.’ Marie Claire trumpets not only ‘71 easy hair and makeup how-tos’ but a mind-blowing ‘1,157 hot looks (all shapes, all sizes, all prices).’”

And now, Entertainment Weekly gives us its editors’ picks of the “50 Greatest Sidekicks of All Time”--at least, the “greatest” from a public entertainment standpoint. Rather predictably, this rundown begins with Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show pal, Ed McMahon (“Heeeeeere’s Johnny!'”), in the No. 1 spot, and then fills out its top five with Robin the Boy Wonder of Batman fame, George Costanza (Jason Alexander) from Seinfeld, the hirsute, vocabulary-challenged Chewbacca from the original Star Wars movies, and Ethel Mertz (Vivian Vance) from the classic I Love Lucy TV series. Finally, in the sixth position, we get Dr. John H. Watson, Sherlock Holmes’ chronicler and the model for so many crime-fiction cohorts to come. Beyond that, though, Entertainment Weekly doesn’t list a single other sidekick from this genre. Yes, the mag gives big applause to the diminutive Tattoo (“Da plane! Da plane!”) of Fantasy Island, turns its sights on the creepily sycophantic Waylon Smithers from The Simpsons, and even resurrects the forgotten Larry Dallas (Jack Tripper’s horndog of a best friend in Three’s Company) and waitress Flo from the old TV sitcom Alice. Yet it can’t find room to recognize the contributions to literature made by, say, Hawk, Boston P.I. Spenser’s bright but menacing black ally in Robert B. Parker’s series (who was so memorably played by Avery Brooks in the 1980s show Spenser: For Hire)? Or deign to mention older instances of second-fiddledom in mystery and crime fiction, whether it be Nero Wolfe’s Archie Goodwin, or Hercule Poirot’s Captain Arthur Hastings?

Following on the archetype of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Dr. Watson, this genre has offered up more than its fair share of sidekicks, many recent examples of the breed being less able than their principals to restrain their violent natures. (Raymond “Mouse” Alexander, Easy Rawlins’ crony from the Walter Mosley series, comes to mind, as do Joe Pike from Robert Crais’ Elvis Cole stories and those two gay career criminals, Angel and Louis, from John Connolly’s private eye Charlie “Bird” Parker books [The Black Angel].) However, these associates need not be psychopathic or homicidal. Neither secretary Della Street nor P.I. Paul Drake, who worked with Erle Stanley Gardner’s fictional Los Angeles attorney, Perry Mason, was a candidate for strong handcuffs and a rubber room. And the same could be said for Vinnie LeBlanc, Alex McKnight’s Ojibwa Indian sidekick in Steve Hamilton’s long-running series; Jeremy Proctor, the young protégé of 18th-century London magistrate Sir John Fielding in Bruce Alexander’s series (Rules of Engagement); and the aggressively tattooed Meg Dougherty, journalist Frank Corso’s photographer and ex-lover in G.M. Ford’s latest series. Even Carter Hamm, the wisecracking, womanizing ex-jock and buddy of San Diego surfer-cum-sleuth Noah Braddock, in Jeff Shelby’s series (Killer Swell, Wicked Break), while he’s comfortable with violence, doesn’t seem so drawn to it as others have been. And if we extend the casting call for sidekicks to include those from TV-born crime dramas, we add to the list such number twos as The Rockford Files’ Evelyn “Angel” Martin (Stuart Margolin), McMillan & Wife’s Sergeant Charles Enright (John Schuck), and Malcolm Argos (Charlie Callas) from the Eddie Albert/Robert Wagner series Switch, none of whom could be thought of as bullet-spitting Alpha Males.

Why Entertainment Weekly chose to ignore, with the exception of Dr. Watson, the plentiful fine examples of sidekicks provided by crime fiction is anybody’s guess. Maybe the mag’s editors were too busy looking for the most ludicrous versions (I mean, c’mon, Duckie from Pretty in Pink?) to appreciate the contributions of Hawk or Archie Goodwin. Or, just as likely, they are saving those characters for an expanded or thematically modified inventory of players to be published at some future date. Anyone for the “50 Greatest Partners in Crime-Solving”? That has cover line written all over it.

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Do you have your own favorite crime-fiction sidekick to suggest? Just click the Comments link below.