Dishonorable Mentions

This isn’t the first time I’ve reported on the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (see here), and it likely won’t be the last. But I always do so with a bit of a cringe, understanding that what seems like drivel to many of us, might look to others like the height of literary originality and cocky style. The competition--named in “honor” of Edward Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), whose 1830 novel, Paul Clifford, began with the notorious phrase, “It was a dark and stormy night”--applauds particularly awful opening sentences to (fortunately) never-to-be-completed books. The contest has been sponsored by the English Department at California’s San Jose State University since 1982.

This year’s winner, Jim Guigli, a retired mechanical designer for the Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory and a resident of Carmichael, California, draws upon the not always wonderful world of hard-boiled detective fiction for his horrid book start:

Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you’ve had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.

The especially determined Guigli is supposed to have submitted 60 entries to the 2006 contest, explaining much later that “My motivation for entering the contest was to find a constructive outlet for my dementia.”

While Guigli is the overall champ of this 23rd annual Bulwer-Lytton challenge, winners were also named in a variety of specific categories, from adventure and children’s literature, to historical fiction and “purple prose” (a seemingly redundant designation). Derek Fisher of Ottawa, Ontario, came away the victor in the detective-fiction field with this tarnished gem:

It was a dreary Monday in September when Constable Lightspeed came across the rotting corpse that resembled one of those zombies from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller,” except that it was lying down and not performing the electric slide.

And there’s even a runner-up in this category, Linda Fields of Framingham, Massachusetts, who submitted the following hilarious beginning:

The victim said her attacker was nondescript--5’ 10 and 3/4”, 163 pounds, with Clairol #83N hair (a hint of #84N at his temples)--and last seen wearing Acuvue2 contacts, a white Hanes 65/35% poly-cotton T-shirt with a 3mm round Grey Poupon stain on the neckband, Levi’s 501s missing the second button, and Nike Crosstrainers with muddy aglets.

You can read the entire list of winners here. Just don’t do it in the office, where red-faced guffawing and incessant knee slapping might be deemed inappropriate.