Bad Prose Inspires Good Chuckles

Every year I think what fun it would be to submit a kernel of corny creative writing to the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, but I have never actually done so. Although I haven’t given up hope of entering. Someday. Maybe. If I’m in the proper playful mood.

This tongue-in-cheek competition was launched in 1982 and is sponsored by the English Department of San Jose State University in San Jose, California. As Wikipedia explains, it takes its moniker from “English novelist and playwright Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, author of the much-quoted first line ‘It was a dark and stormy night,’” Entrants are encouraged to submit especially cringe-worthy opening lines (single sentences only) to never-to-be-completed books. The competition’s renown has grown greatly over the decades.

There were reportedly more than 600 entries to the 2023 contest in a dozen categories, from Adventure and Fantasy & Horror to Science Fiction and Purple Prose. The Grand Prize was captured by Maya Pasic of New York City for this cosmetological curiosity:

She was a beautiful woman; more specifically she was the kind of beautiful woman who had an hourlong skincare routine that made her look either ethereal or like a glazed donut, depending on how attracted to her you were.

Meanwhile, the Grand Panjandrum’s Special Award went to Daniel Bradford of Lexington, Kentucky, for an opening that might have been plucked from a comic crime novel:

It was a sunny day in Los Angeles, hot and bright, and I was in my office, playing Mahjong against myself and losing, when she walked in, 120 pounds of dynamite, a blonde with legs that began at her ankles and ended in trouble.

Of interest to Rap Sheet readers as well should be this winner in the Crime & Detective division, from Atlanta resident Julian Calvin:

The tall, slender seductress had Tom Pauley wrapped around her little finger, and she had James McGee hanging from a necklace, but the police were still waiting for the lab results to determine whose body parts she had used to make her earrings and that stunning tennis bracelet.

These two other “dishonorable mentions” from the same category struck decisive blows against my funny bone:

Elsie was seated by the window overlooking the deserted boardwalk (the crime scene in this saga) holding the hand of her beloved Jeremy (the soon-to-be unwitting accomplice), when George (who you will soon learn is the murderer), suddenly opened the door to their cozy loft holding a cup of coffee and said, “This cup is for you, Elsie”—and this cup would of course be her last … but you do not know any of this yet. — Frederick Ankowski, Santa Monica, California

Officer Meyer Briggs burst into the bedroom and saw Professor Rorschach standing over the body of his mother, bloody knife in hand, “I swear it’s not what it looks like!” Rorschach exclaimed. — Justin C. McCarthy, Cranston, Rhode Island

Click right here to read all of this year’s winners and runners-up. And if you’re interested, the rules for entering this contest can be found here. The next submission deadline is June 30, 2024.